Doing All the Right Things
The week leading up to and on Christmas I found myself surrounded by extended family and friends five days in a row. Social events usually leave me feeling anxious. I have a child on the autism spectrum who is verbal and often mislabeled as defiant. I have another with ADHD, who gets extra hyper around people. And a third with social anxiety who likes to cling to me in group settings.
I met with my life coach, and prepped mentally for this time. Other people’s comments didn’t define me or my children. I know I am good mom and my kids are good kids. But I’m human and the comments added up. Autism is over diagnosed and used as an excuse, good parents make their kids eat what was made, I can’t handle your kid’s screaming, parents just use screens as babysitters. I found myself on edge by day three.
Trying So Hard
What else should I be doing? I had used my skills to get my own back and celebrated the fact that I didn’t take comments to heart. I thought I was taking care of myself. But Friday morning, I found myself crying and feeling judged. That was ok, and a healthy response. So I cried and grieved what my life isn’t.
After crying and allowing that emotion to pass thru my body, I felt better. I was able to get my own back again, enjoy my time with family, and help my kids when they needed me.
Skip ahead passing the traveling on icy roads, finishing shopping and wrapping, attending another party, and onto Christmas morning. I was agitated. Nothing was right. I tried to keep pushing thru. That’s my job, right. To create this magical Christmas for my kids. I cried secretly three times, lost my patience with my family, and was really irritated that we were going to church (usually my favorite services to attend).
Processing Emotions
My husband intercepted me, and just hugged me. I was avoiding that, because I knew I would cry. I thought I didn’t have time to cry. But he held me and let me ugly cry for 30 minutes. I didn’t even know what I was crying about. I just couldn’t stop.
As my crying continued, I started to feel lighter. I was able to recognize what I had been resisting. It wasn’t really about how Christmas looked, or my to do list, or that I had done most of the holiday prep work. I was feeling grief and pressure again.
That grief that my kids wouldn’t be like the other kids who can go in, sit still, say socially acceptable things at an appropriate volume. The grief that I spend most of my energy on just keeping us alive and sort of well. An overall realization that my life would never look like I had imagined.
Grief in Everyday Life
Grief is normal for everyone. Maybe your spouse doesn’t participate like you want, maybe your child is different than you pictured them, maybe you can’t have children, maybe your pregnancy or motherhood looks totally different than you expected.
For me I felt pressured to count my blessings. Be grateful that I could have children. Grattitude that my husband will help out. Be grateful that we have a job and a home. Thankful we have insurance to help pay for the medical bills. This so called gratitude wasn’t helping me. It left me feeling not good enough.
Resisting Grief and Other Emotions
Resistance to my grief led to pressure on myself. Pressure to handle every situation perfectly. The ability to predict and plan for all things. This pressure led to resentment, not enjoying my family, and beating myself up for that.
A Simple Solution
When really the solution was simple. Just allow the grief to be there. That means I don’t talk myself out of. I don’t judge myself for having human emotions. Not pushing myself to the breaking point when I feel tired and exhausted. And not keeping myself busy with TV, social media, shopping, or managing a home all so I don’t have time to think about it.
So as I cried on my husband’s shoulder the weight lifted. My body naturally knew what to do with all those emotions if I would just let it. Nothing changed. I still had kids to get ready for church, they were still arguing in the other room, at least one of them would probably be noisy during the service, so I would miss most of it, etc. But everything changed for me at that moment! I was able to politely redirect my kids that weren’t getting ready. I was able to enjoy what I did get to hear in the service. Worry didn’t consume me when my child refused a food due to texture. It wasn’t a dramatic problem when tears were shed by my kids because the gift wasn’t as they had hoped.
The Purpose of Emotions
Emotions are what give a real life experience. Without the hard ones, we wouldn’t truly enjoy the pleasant ones. How can you feel proud of your child if you haven’t watched them struggle to get there? Its the same with us.
If you want to experience life more fully, then book an explore coaching call with me to learn how to process and allow your emotions.
