Just Think Positive
Have you ever heard someone tell you to think positively about it. Have you tried that? How did it go for you? Occasionally it might be helpful, but my guess is it wasn’t. Let’s explore a few thoughts to explain what I mean.
Positive Thought:
Let’s take the thought that “I just want my spouse to be happy.” Have you ever tried to make your spouse happy? Can you do it? Sometimes you might succeed, but not all the time. Want to know why that is? It’s because you can’t control his emotions. He creates his own emotions based on his thoughts.
Often when we is try to make him happy, we show up how we think he wants us to show up. That isn’t sincere to who we are and it’s a form of manipulation. Have you ever thought of yourself as manipulative? You are trying to set things up to go a certain way. Only you don’t have control of his emotions at all.
I know sometimes when I do this, he is now annoyed instead of happy. He’d rather I just love him like he is and where he is. Not put pressure on him to be happy all the time. So this lovely sounding thought of, “I just want my husband to be happy” is actually causing harm. That positive thought didn’t work as people think it will.
Negative Thought:
What if instead we thought, “I want my husband to feel however he feels like feeling.” This thought doesn’t sound lovely on the surface. But it gets us the better results. When we allow our husband to be disappointed because we don’t want to go do that thing, he is having a normal human experience. He gets to be who he wants to be and we get to be who we want to be.
Some people interpret this as selfish. Like I don’t have to care, because it’s job to take care of himself. But lets take a deeper look. Let’s say your husband wants to go on a trip and you think its too expensive. If you are trying to manipulate him into being happy, you may go and be agitated the whole time about the money. You show up fake happy. Nobody is really having fun. And maybe you guys even fight about it on the trip.
Verses telling him your concerns about the finances before booking the trip, he may feel some disappointment. If you can allow him to sit with that feeling, it will eventually go away. You won’t be manipulating him. From this space you are more likely to have an open, honest conversation instead. The outcome could be many different scenarios. Maybe you book a cheaper trip, hold off and save your money first, or not go at all. But with him showing up as he wants to and you being your authentic self, then you can come up with the best solution for both of you.
So what some may have called a negative thinking, you actually get the better outcome. Positive thinking is not what life coaching is all about. Life coaching is about examining what we are thinking, so we can decide if it is serving us like we want it to. Sometimes we even choose to keep thoughts that may not be serving us, and that is okay too. The goal isn’t to control what we think 100 percent of the time. It’s to look at recurring thoughts and making conscious decisions about it.
If you would like to explore some of your thoughts, book a free discovery call. We will see if coaching is right for you and explore some of your thoughts. No commitment required for anything further. I can’t wait to meet you!
Until Next Time
-Keira
