Are you tired of having hurt feelings? Did you know that hurt feelings are optional regardless of what other people say to or about you?
What Causes Hurt Feelings
Let’s start by going back to the model, CTFAR. You have a neutral fact until we have a thought about it. That thought creates our feelings. Those feelings create our actions and/or inactions which creates our results. So if we think about if someone says you are ugly, then our thought about them saying that sentence is what creates our hurt feelings.
Let’s explore a couple situations to understand better. Let’s say someone says something about you to someone else. You have no idea it’s been said. Is it hurting your feelings in that moment? No, because you don’t have a thought about it yet. It’s when you hear that it’s been said and you have a thought about what was said that your feels become hurt.
That being said we get to decide if we are going to let them hurt our feelings or not. I’m not saying that you should never have hurt feelings. But you get to decide if you want to or not. Let’s say that your child just told you that you are the worst parent ever. How are you feeling? What was your thought that created that feeling. For me I used to feel hurt when they would tell me that. My thought was that kids shouldn’t be disappointed in their parents.
Now I think that good parents make their kids mad sometimes. Tough love is part of my job some days and that’s okay. So now I feel at peace. I no longer have hurt feelings when my child says I’m the worst.
Realize You Agree with Them to Some Degree
What if someone said you had blue hair when it is really blonde. Would your feelings hurt then? Or would you think they were crazy? My guess is you would be wondering if they need their eyes checked. When we don’t agree with someone when they say something about us, it tends to not set off thoughts that create hurt feelings. But lets say that someone tells me I could be a better mom for my neurodivergent children. That one tends to sting, because I agree with them on some level. Acknowledging that they may be right can be super empowering. It might sound something like this, “I know I doubt my parenting abilities sometimes too. And that’s okay. My feelings are hurt because I am thinking that I agree with them on some level. Not because they pointed it out.”
Just because we agree with them on some level doesn’t mean we have to wallow in the hurt. We can acknowledge the hurt and the good mom I am at the same time. But keep the power in your hands instead of giving your emotions to someone else to manage.
Hurt People Tend to Hurt People
Another thing that can help is to remember that hurt people tend to hurt people. Maybe not even on purpose. But when I can think about the hurt they are in, it’s easier to understand why they may say what they say or do. If the mom who can’t have children makes comments about how your children are behaving poorly, maybe that is her hurt coming. She hurts because she can’t have children and wants them, and so then she lashes out at people who have children.
It tells us nothing about you as the person being lashed out against. But it says something about her and her life. When we can find compassion for the hurting person, it’s easier to not take things they say personally.
Having trouble applying this in your life? Book a Free Discovery Call with me. I’d love to help you explore this in your personal life. A lot of times it’s easier for someone not in the middle of it to recognize what is happening allowing you to gain your power back of your emotions.
Until Next Time
– Keira
