Fights with your spouse can be hard. You love them and want to give them what they need, but you have needs too. Somefightss never get resolved in a marriage. They are reoccuring. How do you handle that?
Fights are Normal
First off, you need to know that fights in a marriage are normal and healthy. I’ve heard it said that if you never fight in your marriage than someone is lying. They aren’t being honest about their needs and desires. That is not the goal of marriage or other relationships.
The goal is to have two seperate people come together and share with one another. No couple is going to agree on 100 percent of things. So don’t disspair if you don’t agree on everything. Congratulations your marriage is working!
Everyone Just Wants to be Heard
So if there are unsolvable fights, then what is the goal. The goal is to make your spouse feel heard, not prove your point. Often times things will settle down when both spouses feel like they have been heard.
Not in a yeah, yeah that’s what you said kind of heard. But in a I understand where you are coming from kind of heard. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but that you can sympathize with them. When both parties can feel heard the difference in opinion may not get resolved, but understanding and peace will come instead.
Take Care Of Yourself
It is not the your responsibility to take make your spouse happy. It is your responsibility to meet your own needs. When you are trying to make your spouse happy, you become a manipulator. You don’t show up as your authentic self. They can’t even love you for who you truely are, because you aren’t showing as that person to them.
But if you figure out how to meet your own needs, then you can just show up to love your spouse. For example, lets say you need more socialization in your life. You can make friends or reach out to family more to meet those needs. Or perhaps you need a break from the children occasionally. You can trade babysitting with neighbor or hire a babysitter once a week to get that time. But see how you are meeting those needs on your own instead of waiting on your spouse to meet them for you.
It is a lot more fun to show up and love someone than it is to resent them for not making you happy.
If you would like help dealing with the disagreements in your marriage, then hop on a free 30 minute call with me. Together we can walk through them. Sometimes a curious outside hand is all you need.
Until Next Time
-Keira
