Kids Big Emotions Triggering Your Big Emotions? How to Deal With It.

Do you have kids with big emotions? Toddlers, neurodiverse kids, or teenagers? I do and the parenting advice can be frustrating. I hear all the time to regulate my emotions to help teach them to regulate their emotions. But truthfully, when they escalate I tend to escalate. I didn’t know how to calm myself, let alone for an extended period of time while they are screaming at me. Please tell me I’m not the only one.

For those of us who need to learn to regulate our own emotions first, I’ve got you. I’m going to share with you how I went from reactive to in control when my children melted down. Those meltdowns may be an Autism meltdown, a pre-teen with attitude and emotions, or just a kid having a rough time. Mama I’m here to help you get thru it.

What is an emotion?

First things first, lets learn what an emotion is. An emotion is a sensation in our bodies that are created by our thoughts. Every feeling or emotion that we have is because we thought something about something.

For example, lets pretend your kid is screaming at you because his banana broke in two pieces. If you think, “this is ridiculous,” you might feel frustrated. However if you think, “its crazy how toddlers don’t understand that its still the same banana,” you might feel fascinated.

But back to the emotion itself. After we have a thought about something then our brain sends signals thru our bodies. These signals start sensations in your body. Emotions are not our thoughts or in our brains. Think about if you are driving down the road and just about get into an accident. What happens to your body? You might feel your heartrate speed up, heat go thru your body, and/or trembling. These are examples of physical sensations caused by an emotion.

How to Allow an Emotion

Let’s start off by talking about what isn’t allowing an emotion. You know when you are angry and yell or make sudden demands. Or how about when you are sad and you sit and think about it all the time. Those are examples of reacting to emotions. That is not what I’m talking about when I say allow your emotions.

Did you know that you can allow an emotion and not react to it? Let’s learn how. The first step is to realize that you are feeling an emotion. Just recognize that it is there. Then you get to name it. There is no right or wrong answer.

Once you name the emotion, go into your body and list off the physical sensations you feel. Your brain may want to go back to thinking thoughts. If you come up with sentences, you are probably back in your head and not your body. You are looking for things like temperature changes, heartrate or breathing changes, where is it in your body, does it have a texture, or move around? Sometimes I even give it a color.

For example, fear for me feels tense. It’s especially tense in my hands. My body feels heavy especially in my shoulders and chest. My breathing is tighter and shallower. I feel like I can’t move easily. My temperature rises slightly. It holds still in my body at first. Then as I go thru these steps it starts to slosh around in my chest area. Slow at first getting more movement as I just allow the fear.

Emotional Regulation is like a Beach

The longer I notice these sensations the more they go away. I like to picture emotions like a beach. When I first start allowing them, the wave are like in a storm. Big and scary. The more I allow them the smaller they become. They also come and go like waves. If you allow an emotion your body can process it in 90 seconds or less. Then we will have another thought, sometimes subconsciously and it comes back. Usually it comes back less intense than the last time.

But if you just go about your day allowing them in your body, it eventually becomes easy and natural to allow them. You can take a minute and step out of a situation to do this work, or you can do this work in the situation. I know for me, when I’m learning how to allow a new emotion, I like to be alone the first time. This way I can focus.

But now when my children melt down, I stand there with them. As I stand there with them I name the emotion that I feel because of a sentence in my brain and then I see if I can find it in my body. I don’t try to talk myself out of feeling it. Judging myself for having that emotion blocks our bodies from allowing it causing it to become more intense. I just repeat in my mind over and over, “Where am I feeling said emotion in my body right now?”

Many Different Emotions

As a human being we have many emotions. Research shows that the average person can name and describe three different emotions. Brene Brown, a researcher of human emotions, says we should know 30. So explore all different kinds of emotions. Ones you might label as bad or negative and positive or good ones. Practice allowing all different kinds of emotions. The more you know and can allow, the easier it will be to have emotional regulation.

You got this mama! If this seems too hard to figure out on your own. I know it was for me. Then sign up for a Complimentary Discovery Call and let me help you thru the process. I can’t wait to meet you!

Until next time,

– Keira