Do you have guilt over not being the right kind of mom? I struggle with mom guilt too! Read on to find out how you can feel at peace instead of mom guilt.
Everyone talks about mom guilt, and I always thought I didn’t have it. I have no problem leaving my kiddos with their dad or a babysitter. In fact most days I wish I could do more of it. But it turns out I do have quite a bit of mom guilt.
I sit and question what I am doing all the time as a parent. Sometimes I trigger it in myself. Other times I trigger it with my thoughts about what other people say and do or what I think they believe.
One of the areas I struggle with mom guilt the most is with my neurodivergent children (one autistic son, one ADHD daughter, and one daughter who struggles with anxiety). I go into public with them and one is clinging to me, another is touching everything bouncing off the walls, and the third one is begging non-stop for something new related to a special interest. I look at other families whose kids can sit still and quiet in restaurants or walk quietly shopping with their parents without running into people or wandering off. And my brain begins with all the questions…
Is it me? Am I doing something wrong as a parent? Should I have a different approach? Am I too lenient or am I too harsh? What if we spent more time in town together practicing? Do they need a different expert to help them? Am I doing them disfavors by taking them into public? How am I supposed to get any errands done if I don’t take them with me?
I have spun on all the questions for days, weeks, and years. And then the well intentioned questions from others, that often feel hurtful that start a new spiral in my brain. Like scrolling Instagram and Facebook to happen upon an ad that suggests that taking Tylenol during pregnancy made my child autistic. What! It’s my fault he has autism? What else have I done to make his life so hard for him and everyone else?
Or how about all those meetings at school trying to get an IEP or 504 to help them out at school. They say he/she doesn’t qualify for accommodations. We aren’t seeing any problems at school. They are the model student. I hear that I am the world’s worst mom because I see all the negative behaviors that nobody else does. And that mom guilt kicks my butt again. I dwell on it. Cry all about it. Complain about the school to everyone around me. All while doubting my ability to be their mom.
Do you realize how much mental energy, I spent on a daily basis worrying about if I am a good enough mom or not. I would guess 80 percent of it. I would be exhausted, but haven’t accomplished anything. That’s because all my energy was being burned in my brain from mental overload.
I wanted to spend my energy getting things accomplished rather than worrying and complaining. Can you relate to this? Let me share what I did to get rid of my mom guilt and how you can too.
The first step is to write down all the things you do as a parent. Write down everything! Even the mundane things like change diapers and nurse that baby. Maybe even quantify how many times a day you do that. List off all the things you do that make you as a mom special. Maybe you do special birthday parties, advocate for your kid, or read parenting books. List your skills that you use on the regular as a parent. And don’t forget to list the things you are teaching your kiddos indirectly. Maybe you are teaching them its ok if mom doesn’t make gourmet organic meals by serving them cold cereal or take out.
Now write your own job description. What do you want to do as a parent regardless of your child’s outcome? It can be anything. There is no wrong or correct answer. My personal definition is to love my children and teach them how to have a whole human experience. By whole human experience I am teaching them to feel both negative and positive emotions, how to empower themselves, and how to dream and chase those dreams. What my definition does not include: liking my children all the time, never loosing my crap, having a perfect home, making sure my kids are behaving and looking perfectly, etc.
Take that list you made and the definition you wrote. Are you being the mom you want to be? My guess is you are kicking butt at it! Your brain will want to say but… Don’t listen to it. That toddler brain that’s coloring on the walls with a Sharpie markers needs to be told to stop it. All that matters is that you are reaching your definition of a good mom.
The final step is to revisit your definition regularly and tell your brain to settle down when you are triggered by the mom guilt. Acknowledge it, feel it, but don’t dwell on it. Remind yourself you are a good mom and that your brain is confused. It doesn’t matter what others think. Yes it doesn’t matter what your husband thinks, mother, mother-in-law, or that random person you see around.
Go out and kick that mom guilt to the curb! Book a complimentary Discovery Call to tell me about your progress and ask any questions you may have. I can’t wait to hear from you!
Until next time
– Keira
