Is Disappointment even Bad?
Many of us think as parents it’s our job to make our kids happy. But is it really our goal to make them happy all the time? Let’s think thru this question.
If we can make our kids happy all the time (which I believe we can’t make them happy), think of all the life experiences they miss out on. If they are happy all the time they never experience being sad, frustrated, etc. If you don’t know what its like to be sad, how do you know that it is good to be happy. It becomes the only thing they know. Without the opposition, they don’t get to truly enjoy the happy.
Plus what is going to happen when you aren’t around to make them happy all the time. Think when they move out. Are they going to know how to handle not being selected for that job? If they don’t know how to handle it, they don’t have the emotional regulation skills needed to succeed in life.
And aren’t there times when it is in their best interest for you to say no? Like a three year old asking for a caffienated soda an hour before bed? What if disappointing them sometimes is actually helping them learn and grow? But I get it. It is hard to see them disappointed.
Handling Yourself while Disappointing Your Kids
Recently I had to tell my daughter that we couldn’t buy her the horse that she wanted. She had created a slide show explaining why she wanted it, why it would be good for her, and all the details. It was devasting to say I’m sorry but we just don’t have that kind of money right now to spend on a horse. She was heart broken.
It was amazing to watch all the emotions I went thru in that process. I went into a shame and blame spiral. I would blame her for wanting something so ridiculously expensive. Then I would spiral into what a bad parent I am for not being able to provide it for her. She after all had done so much research.
So I had to slow my brain and feel those emotions. What does blame feel like in my body? Where do I feel it? Acknowledge that is okay that I am having those feelings.
Then a different emotion would come up. I felt anger that I had to say no. That our life isn’t in a different situation, so I could say yes. I went thru that same process all over again. I also reminded myself that her disappointment was a personal attack against me. She wasn’t sad because I’m a horrible person. She’s simply disappointed things didn’t go her way.
I did all of this while we were having the conversation about buying the horse. It didn’t require me to step out of a room or to blow up in frustration. I simply acknowledged when emotions came up for me.
The Power of Acknowledging Emotions
It’s amazing how if we just acknowledge our emotions, our bodies know what to do with them and they go away. They may come back again like waves on the ocean. Maybe the first time is intense, but each subsequent time is less and less if we just acknowledge it without judging it.
By the end of her presentation and our conversation, I was over the many emotions that came up with dissapointing my child. It felt much easier than when I would resist the emotions in the past.
In the past I would think about it for days, spiraling in that blame/shame cycle. The more I would think about the more intense those negative emotions would feel. I would have been more likely to blow a gasket on someone, maybe even in a completely different setting.
I may not have been clear and concise when talking to her. I might have said let us think about it and never get back around to to telling her no. But because I handled my emotions in the moment, I was able to kindly let her know that we do not have that kind of money. Is she sad and disappointed? Definitely! But now she knows a clear answer and the reason behind it.
So really the first step to helping our kids deal with disappointment is handling our own emotions. It takes practice and effort. I personally have a life coach who has been helping me learn to accept my emotions. If you are ready for help working on your emotions, sign up for a free discovery call with me. We will discuss what you would like help with along with how and if I might be able to help. No pressure to join. Just come see if we are a fit together.
Until Next Time
-Keira
