Are you caught up in the good mom trap? You spend alot of time wondering if you are a good mom or not? You think you are, but then your mother-in-law says something that makes you wonder. Or you see other moms who love to play on the floor with their kids. Now you are doubting yourself again.
I’ve been there and occassionally go back. It’s totally normal to wonder if you are doing a good job or not. Every mom doubts herself at some point. The question is do you want to use up all your mental energy wondering if you are a good mom or not. Instead, let’s just find out if you are a good mom. (Spoiler Alert: You are doing a great job mama!)
Good Mom Definition
Let’s start out by defining what a good mom even is. My guess is its something you are striving to be, but you haven’t ever stopped to think about what a good mom actually is. You get to define it for yourself. It’s easier to be a good mom when you know what your expectations for yourself are.
What is your job as a mom? I’m not looking for the to do list here. But when your kids are all grown up and moved out, what is it that you hope they know or feel? For me, a good mom loves her kids and teaches them. That is the my whole definition. You get to create your own definition.
Make sure your definition is about what you can do as a mom. Not about what your kids get out of it. Because you can’t control what they will get out of their experience of you as a mom. So for example, you can teach your kids, but you can’t make sure they know something. Or you can love your kids, but you can’t make them feel loved. You can cook your kids healthy meals, but you can’t make them eat healthy.
Decide if You are a Good Mom
Now that you know what a good mom actually is, you can see if you are living up to that standard. Remember nobody is perfect at anything. This isn’t an exercise to judge yourself and feel horrible. Make sure you list the things you are rocking at too and not just where you struggle.
How are you measuring up? Are you doing the things you want to be doing? Going back to me as an example I would ask, “do I love my kids?” And “Am I teaching them things?” The answer is yes I love my kids and I am trying to teach them things they need to know in life. Am I perfect at it? Heck no!!! But overall I’m trying, so I’m a good mom.
My guess is you are a good mom too. If you don’t think you are a good mom, then you now have very specific things to work towards. But the fact that you are worried about being a good mom probably means you are doing a good job at it.
What about when others doubt me?
Now lets go back to that time when your mother-in-law made that comment about how she did things differently or her kids never behaved a certain way. What comes up for you? Often it brings up that doubt of being a good mom.
Simply go back to your definition of a good mom. Are you within that? My guess is probably so. Great news! You are a good mom and it doesn’t matter what she thinks. You are doing a great job. You can have compassion for her, but also get your own back.
That doesn’t mean you have to tell her off. It simply means you tell yourself, that’s ok she has a different opinion. I’m being the mom I want to be. And when you get your own back, then the mind drama stops. You don’t have to worry and doubt yourself as a good mom. Instead you can use that mental energy on something else that you want to.
Until Next Time
-Keira
