Are you finding yourself not liking your kids? You really wanted to have them, but now you can’t stand them? Please tell me I’m not the only mom out there who has ever felt this way? I started out super nervous about summer and having them all home all the time. But I’ve realized that this summer has been different. It’s not that my kids have changed. I have changed. Here are 10 things I have worked on that have allowed me to enjoy being a mom again, even a stay at home mom during my husband’s busiest season of work.
1. Define “Good Mom” for Yourself
This one is pretty self explanatory. Take a moment to decide for yourself what makes you a good mom. It doesn’t matter if your kids change or not, but who you want to be regardless of the situation. Don’t judge your ideas or worry about what other people are going to think. This is all about you as an individual.
2. Stop Trying to Make Your Kids Happy
Did you know that you can’t make your kids happy? You can’t. Their thoughts create their feelings, not anything mom does. But we like to pretend that we can totally control their emotions. Our kids can make themselves happy, so drop the pressure to make them happy all the time.
3. Allow Your Kids to Experience All Emotions
Not only can we not make our kids happy. They aren’t going to be happy all the time. Life is full of all emotions. All emotions make up a healthy human being. We wouldn’t want to be happy if someone was murdered would we or at other situations. Neither should our kids. It’s actually healthy for them to experience “negative” emotions. Let them learn and grow how to handle them.
4. Embrace All Your Emotions
That being said you also need to feel and allow all your emotions. I’m not suggesting that you be a Debbie Downer all the time. But sometimes we just want to feel negatively. I don’t know about you, but I don’t get excited when my kids fight. So instead of shaming myself I just feel frustrated or disappointment.
Now feeling an emotion is different than acting one. This doesn’t justify me to scream at them. But I can sit with the physical sensation inside my body that we call frustration. In my body that feels like clenching of my jaw and chest, a rapid heart rate, tightness, etc. If I just feel that and name it all while reminding myself it’s created by sentences in my brain. It eventually goes away and I can deal with my kids. So allow all your emotions, don’t stuff them in and add guilt on top of them.
5. Drop Expectations
Drop your expectations. I was famous for expecting my children to behave perfectly in public, not have meltdowns, or other misbehaviors. But the truth is kids are still learning how to behave appropriately and how to handle big emotions. In fact their brains don’t fully develop until their mid-20’s.
So now instead of it being a horrible thing when they meltdown, misbehave, or do something I’d rather they didn’t, I just deal with the behavior. It’s easier to teach from this space rather than feeling horrible because I’m not a good parent. Nothing has gone wrong, it’s one more opportunity for them to learn and practice.
6. Question What You Have to Do
Write down everything you feel like you have to do. Now brainstorm ways to get out of doing them. Did you know that you could just walk out on your kids and stop being a parent? You don’t have to stay, but my guess is you want to stay. Own that decision.
What about feeding your kids? Do you have to cook every meal for them? I bet you could eat out, hire a personal chef, or eat cold cereal every night. Take back your power by owning your decisions. Maybe you drop some of the have to duties. Maybe they aren’t really even necessary. Like we dropped some extra curricular activities. Where my kids bummed in the beginning? Oh yes! But they don’t miss them now and benefit from an easier schedule.
7. Quit Should-ing Myself
How much of what you do everyday is because of someone else’s expectations or expectations you picked up on as a kid. For example, I always made homemade meals for my family. Then I got to talking to my husband and that isn’t an expectation he ever had. Chicken nuggets and fries are great in his eyes. But I realized that cooking good tasting homemade food was what my family ate growing up, so I thought it was something I should do. Now sometimes when I have time and want to I make homemade meals and sometimes we eat cold cereal. I dropped what I should do and did me instead. Any time I should comes out of my mouth, I know question that.
8. Stay Out of Other People’s Business
Jody Moore taught me there are three kinds of business in the world. My business, other people’s business, and God’s business. The only one I need to worry about is my business. What I am doing and what I think about it. It’s none of my business what other people think about me and my choices. Its a lot easier to enjoy my motherhood when it’s what I want and not what Sally down the street thinks I should be doing.
9. Empowering Questions
When things just aren’t working I ask myself empowering questions rather then resent the situation. Dirty laundry always on my living room floor. I asked how can I solve that problem? I put a decorative laundry hamper in my living room.
Super triggered every time my kids pees their pants. Why do peed in pants trigger me so much? Oh I’m making it mean I’ll never have freedom again. Is that really true? Probably not. But now I can address the silly thought loop in my brain instead of losing my cool on my kid when they pee their pants.
10. Do Something Small for Yourself Daily
This one was hard for me to implement. I started out with this small assignment every day, but as soon as life gets busy it seems to be easily forgotten. But as soon as I implement it again, I start to enjoy my life again.
Mama, you don’t have to do something big. Maybe it’s having a special treat every night when the kids are in bed that savor the flavor of. Maybe it’s reading for five minutes while your kids whine for you outside the door. Maybe it’s listening to your favorite song while making dinner. The ideas are limitless and only you know what brings you joy.
This is a great time to ask one of those empowering questions, “What little things in life bring me joy?” Write them down as you discover them and start planning them into your day.
You got this mama! And if you want to reach your destination of enjoying your kids again quicker, book a Complimentary Discovery Call. On this call we discuss how I can help you reach all your goals and find joy in life again.
Until Next Time
-Keira
